Let 2 pounds ground beef sit at room temperature for 15 minutes. Add softened cream cheese to a large bowl, then toss in ranch seasoning, bacon bits, and shredded cheddar. Add the ground beef on top.

Use your hands to fold everything together gently for about 20-30 seconds. You want to see little pockets of cream cheese still visible throughout the mixture. Don't overmix or you'll create tough, dense patties.

Divide the mixture into 6 equal portions (about 6 ounces each). Shape each into a patty slightly larger than your buns since they'll shrink during cooking. Press your thumb into the center of each patty to create a small dimple.

Sprinkle the outside of each patty with garlic powder and onion powder. Don't add salt yet - it pulls moisture out. If making ahead, stack patties on parchment paper.

Get your cast-iron skillet screaming hot over medium-high heat. Add just enough oil to barely coat the bottom. Place patties in without crowding them.

Let them cook undisturbed for 4 full minutes on the first side. Flip once and cook another 3-4 minutes on the second side. Add a cheese slice on top during the last minute and cover with a lid to melt.

Use an instant-read thermometer and pull the burgers at 155°F internal temperature. They'll coast to 160°F while resting for 3-4 minutes.

Heat grill to medium-high (about 400°F) and oil the grates well. Cook patties 4-5 minutes per side, flipping only once. Add cheese during the last minute, close the lid, and pull at 155°F.

While burgers rest, toast your buns cut-side down until golden. Mix together mayo, ketchup, pickle relish, and hot sauce for the burger sauce.

Spread sauce on both bun halves. Layer the bottom bun with lettuce and a thick tomato slice. Add your cheesy crack burger patty, top with red onion if using, and finish with the top bun.